Somerset Maugham believed that novels should both entertain and educate. His works almost always had a keen sense of humor, fun and insight.
In “The Round Dozen,” the narrator spends some time in a resort where he meets Mrs. St. Clare and her niece Miss Porchster, who has vowed not to marry after being betrayed by a man she once trusted. He also encounters a short, shabby man named Mortimer Ellis, on a bench at the beach, who boasts that he has been happily married eleven times. He quips that eleven is an incomplete number and he wants to make it a round dozen by marrying again.
In fact, Mortimer is a charlatan who seduces rich women and extorts money from them. His marriages last six to nine months and he leaves when the women run out of money. Nevertheless, his ex-wives love him so much that they are willing to testify for him in court whenever he is arrested for fraud.
The narrator is puzzled as Mortimer is neither good looking nor well built. How then could he have eleven wives who loved and trusted him so much that they gave him their fortune willingly? Looking at the perplexed narrator, Mortimer remarks, “It’s my appearance that puzzles you. You don’t know what it is they see in me. They may take a fancy to a good-looking young fellow, but they don’t want to marry him. They don’t really care about looks.” The bigamist continues, “They don’t want a man who’s too handsome. They want a man who’s serious. Safety first. And then ― attention. I may not be handsome and I may not be amusing, but believe me, I’ve got what every woman wants.”
Then Mortimer discloses his secret to the narrator, “As I was saying just now, it’s attention a woman wants. I never went out of the house without giving my wife a kiss and I never came in without giving her another. And it was very seldom I came in without bringing her some chocolates or a few flowers. I never grudged the expense.” In fact, Mortimer was spending his wife’s money, and yet it did not matter. It was the thought that counted.
At the end of the story, the narrator finds Mrs. St. Clare on the verge of collapse. She informs the narrator that her 54-year-old niece Miss Porchester has eloped with Mortimer. The story ends with the line: “Mortimer Ellis had achieved his ambition after all. Miss Porchester completed the Round Dozen.”
I was single when I first read this story and was inspired by how Mortimer pampered his women, gifting them chocolates and flowers. At the time, I resolved to do the same for my future wife because, obviously, it was the most effective way of winning a woman’s heart.
Ever since, I have remembered to bring chocolates and flowers for my wife to please her as often as possible. Unlike Mortimer, however, I have been unable to win my wife’s heart. Whenever I hand a box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers to my wife, she asks me, “Who gave this to you?” She suspects I am re-gifting her gifts given to me by my students. Perhaps, I am not as smooth as Mortimer? Or, perhaps, women today are no longer impressed by chocolates or flowers, and prefer jewelry instead? My guess is that I am an exceptional case. Surely, all women would be happy when their husbands gift them chocolates and flowers, not to mention jewelry.
Another story of Maugham I find hilarious is “The Luncheon.” The protagonist is a burgeoning writer who temporarily stays in Paris. One day, he receives a fan letter from an admirer who says that she happens to be in Paris too and wants to talk with him over lunch. She wants to see him at an exclusive restaurant where senators dine. The poor narrator thinks that he could spend 15 francs on the lunch if he cuts back on his living expenses for two weeks.
As soon as they are seated in the restaurant, the woman begins ordering horribly expensive cuisines such as salmon, caviar, white wine, asparagus and a big juicy peach. Meanwhile, she keeps saying, “I don’t eat much ― only a bite.” On seeing her devour the expensive food, the poor man’s heart sinks. The poor chap has to order the cheapest dish, mutton chops. After paying for the meal, he finds that not a penny is left in his purse for the upcoming month.
Twenty years later, the protagonist encounters the woman in a theater. To his delight, the woman has become a fat woman weighing about 140 kilograms. Justice is served and retribution is sweet.
Reading Maugham’s stories, one can gain profound insights into life, while laughing heartily. Of course, times have changed. Still, there are everlasting truths and timeless wisdom in his penetrating stories that enlighten our mind and touch our heart.
By Kim Seong-kon
Kim Seong-kon is a professor emeritus of English at Seoul National University and president of the Literature Translation Institute of Korea. ― Ed.
