Some time ago, I wrote a much-misread column entitled “Korean Mother: A Cultural Icon,” suggesting that, perhaps, the cultural icon of South Korea could be its mothers. The image I had in mind at the time was that of traditional Korean mothers who devoted their lives to the welfare of their children in hard times when their husbands were away at war or otherwise unable to protect their home. Shin Kyung-sook’s internationally acclaimed novel, “Please Look after Mom,” mesmerizingly portrays such a mother. Sadly, however, they are either long gone or already in their eighties or nineties. Only vestiges of their virtues survive in today’s Korean mothers
Undoubtedly, almost all mothers are great and I did not intend to put down mothers in other countries in order to prop up Korean mothers. Neither did I intend to praise present-day Korean mothers who, to foreign eyes, may look selfish, overly aggressive, and fanatically competitive about their children’s education. Besides, when I used the expression, “Korean mother: a cultural icon,” I also meant to say that Korean mothers are culturally unique and peculiar, different from mothers in other countries; the implication being that they were not necessarily laudable or admirable. Obviously, however, foreign readers, who loathed the current crop of “Tiger Moms” in Korea, misread my essay, assuming that I praised present-day Korean mothers at the cost of American or other mothers.
This morning, while watering the plants in my living room, I found a young flower bud burgeoning from one of my Western orchids. I will have to wait for a few more days to see it in full bloom. What if I become impatient and force the budding petals open to peek at the full blossom? Surely, the flower bud would wither away soon. Therefore, if a foreigner criticized such impatient Korean mothers, I would be amused by his outsider’s view and gladly agree with him.
It is a shame that Korean mothers make the same mistake by pushing their children too hard, too far and too early, forcing them to bloom fully in advance. For example, they send their children to school early in the morning, urging them to prepare for the college entrance exam and SAT right from elementary school. After school, they send their children to private academies for English and math lessons, not to mention piano, drawing or taekwondo lessons afterward. Life is a race, and you cannot win without training. Losing. That is what these mothers are afraid of.
The upside is that if your child goes to a foreign country, he can easily excel his peers in math, piano or drawing. The downside is that your child is likely to wither like the blossom that is forced open. You should patiently wait for your child to bloom. Otherwise, you will end up crushing the flower bud and ruining your child’s growth.
Korean mothers complain that the inhumanely competitive Korean society forces their hand and they have no choice but to be in the swim. It is lamentable that in Korean society, there are always opposite extremes and no middle ground; everything goes from one extreme to another.
The same thing holds true for the controversial anticorruption Kim Young-ran bill that prohibits public servants, teachers and journalists from accepting more than 1 million won in either cash or gifts. According to the bill, it is also illegal to receive anything that is relevant to one’s current position regardless of monetary value. Undoubtedly, Korean society needs such a strong measure to root out the chronic malady of bribery in both public and private sectors.
Nevertheless, there is a growing concern that the traditional custom of expressing one’s gratitude will disappear from our society. Now, if you give something as a token of gratitude to that nice person who helped you out, both of you will have to face bribery charges. If so, that would not be quite right.
Collins COBUILD English Language Dictionary defines bribery as “the act of offering money or something valuable to someone in order to persuade them to do something for you.” That being the case, a token of gratitude with no strings attached is not bribery but a courtesy. It we push the bill too far, tipping, too, will turn into an act of bribery because it is gratuity, in essence. Even Christmas presents can be illegal depending on the situation.
It is lamentable that we push everything to the extreme, constantly yo-yoing from one end of the spectrum to the other. Bribery might very well vanish from our society thanks to the Kim Young-ran bill. But so will warm affections and feelings of gratitude. Payoffs and kickbacks might simply move from under the table to the underground. But our tender feelings and good customs will be lost forever.
I lament that we always push everything to the extreme. We need a moderation of attitude. Where is our middle ground? Where is “the middle against both ends?”
By Kim Seong-kon
Kim Seong-kon is a professor emeritus of English at Seoul National University and president of the Literature Translation Institute of Korea. ― Ed.
